Being one half of an engaged couple means there are a lot of important questions to answer. When will should we get married? Can we dress our son up as an Ewok for the wedding? Is picking out china still a thing that people do and how I can I use my influence to make sure it’s this set?
And on it goes.
But surely, the key question any modern couple must ask themselves is “how can we make it easier to get sexual in public places?”
Because as parents of an official “cute widdle zombie shuffling” toddler, sexual escapades are a “nice to have”.
Unfortunately, sleep is also in this category. It’s like if Reese Witherspoon and Meryl Streep were both up for the Best Actress Oscar. I mean Reese is great. Everybody enjoys the heck out of Reese’s performance. We’re a big fan of “Reese”… but Meryl is probably going to win three out of four times and that’s just the way it is. Sorry, Ms Witherspoon. Maybe next year?
So obviously, time management becomes a very important factor in any potential “Reese Witherspoon” situations.
The most obvious way of making sure everyone gets enough Reese without cutting in on Meryl is, of course, to make use of other time. Time during the day. At the supermarket perhaps? Whilst lunching in the park. Out and about running errands etc.
This is clearly the reason for the existence of PlayPants, a miraculous new development in garment technology that is sure to revolutionise the love lives of time-poor parents everywhere. PlayPants are specially modified jeans which allow for easy access to the “Reese Witherspoon Adult Area” through some, ahem, jiggery-pokery involving zips.
It’s great that someone is thinking of all the people who, due to teething, or illness, or nightmares, or sleep regressions, or any of the several hundred reasons that little ones wake in the night and howl their damn cute wee faces off, just don’t get enough shut-eye, let alone nookie. The PlayPants people are looking out for us and giving us options and that is a great step forward. Really, it is.
And for those of us not blessed by the presence of free-range denim for our genitals, well, surely it adds a frisson of excitement to one’s day to anticipate happening upon connubial encounters in the produce department? Carnality at the carwash? A little rumpy pumpy at post office? It’s all harmless fun and who’s going complain about that? Makes your day a bit more interesting, doesn’t it?
Ummm, so, creepy sex jeans anyone? Due to the rather unique nature of the design, if you saw someone wearing these would you give them a wide berth? Or a round of applause?
Originally published on Stuff, 24/03/2015.
(Featured image: Open zipper, public domain, from Pixabay)